


to the boy in the courtyard (secret letters never sent)

by hippopotamus



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Letters, M/M, Season 3, Tumblr, dear my blank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 05:31:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13047498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippopotamus/pseuds/hippopotamus
Summary: Dear My Blank (dearmyblank.tumblr.com)If you want to write a letter, but not send it to the intended recipient, write one out and submit it here.to the boy in the courtyard,you’re something of an enigma, you know that?





	to the boy in the courtyard (secret letters never sent)

**Author's Note:**

> dear my blank is a tumblr that you can submit letters to that you dont want to actually send to the recipient  
> this au probs wouldnt work irl bc i dont think the letters would submit this fast but whAtever  
> enjoy

to the boy in the courtyard,

you’re something of an enigma, you know that? every instinct i have is screaming for me to admire you, to watch the way you laugh and the way you walk and the way you hide yourself. and at the same time, i _have_ to stay away. i just have to. i can’t mess up another human.

but god, if you aren’t fucking beautiful.

it’s my first day. you haven’t seen me yet, at least i don’t think so. you don’t really seem to notice much. i’ve seen you three times today, and your heads always down and it’s as if you’re trying to avoid seeing just about anything. trying to avoid anyone seeing you.

maybe i’m reading too much into everything. i’m just so drawn to you. i don’t know why.

i’m not sure what this is. i hope it’s something.

and i hope it isn’t.

from the fucked up transfer student

*

to the boy in the courtyard

(i suppose i could use your name, now. but then i’d lose the anonymity that i need, and what if by some miracle you find this website?)

you’ve been just a fantasy in my head for a month and a half now, but today, you looked at me.

and maybe i’m making a big deal about a tiny thing but - to me it felt monumental. you _looked at me._

i don’t know where this goes next - all signs point to absolutely nowhere, because i’m fucked up and can’t get out of my idea of life being like a movie, or that’s what i’ve been told at least.

but i’m going to a meeting on friday, because there’s a chance you’ll be there. there’s a chance you won’t. but i’ll take it. i’ll take anything.

it’s been a month and a half and my feelings haven’t changed towards you. i shouldn’t drag you down into my world, but you’re _something,_ and i think i need you. is that stupid?

from

the fucked up transfer student.

*

to the boy in the courtyard

hey

it was nice to meet you

i’m sorry she interrupted, but then, at least you didn’t seem into her at all.

see you soon (i hope)

the fucked up transfer student

*

to the boy in the courtyard

god, you’re breathtaking.

i nearly walked into so many people while i was looking at you today, but i couldn’t look away.

i’d like to blame you, but it’s not your fault you’re so pretty (then again, is it my fault for being so distracted by it?)

yours

the fucked up transfer student

*

to the boy in the courtyard

i’m sorry

i didn’t mean for you to see that.

or, maybe i did. maybe it was best for this to end before it starts, after all, i have her.

i wish i didn’t.

the truth is she’s suffocating. controlling. she finds an excuse as to why we shouldn’t break up and uses it against me. (it’s always the same excuse. but am i brave enough to tell you what it is? probably not)

and she’s… nice. easy. familiar. all of the things that make it difficult to leave. she’s just constant. i don’t love her very much, but it’s simple with her.

and you, my boy in the courtyard, you’re the most complicated thing that’s ever happened to me. but you make me want to choose the more complicated path in life. i’m not sure that’s a good thing, for me.

here’s hoping you’ll forgive me for her. maybe you get it, somehow. i hope so.

the fucked up (there, i proved it) transfer student.

*

to the boy in the courtyard

i hope your friend is okay. she seemed pretty upset when she interrupted us.

(not that i’m bitter or anything. i could have kissed you. no big deal.)

i’m forgetting the best part, though. you almost kissed me, too. you didn’t back away, and god you were so endearing when you realised i was joking about that thing.

sorry i didn’t stay. i didn’t think it would really make much sense. nothing more could have happened.

i would have, if you’d asked me, though.

i just want you to know that. i’ll do pretty much anything if you ask me.

always yours

the fucked up transfer student

*

to the boy in the courtyard

i told you.

she’s controlling.

i tried to tell her no, but now she’s coming with us, she’s taking over. she thinks i can’t breathe without her.

i’ll prove her wrong, somehow. do you trust me?

yours

the fucked up transfer student.

*

to the boy who couldn’t - i’m giving too much away

to the boy in the courtyard

words aren’t really my thing. that’s why the note i left you wasn’t a very good one.

i shouldn’t have left anything really. i just shouldn’t have left.

if you could see what she’d sent me, though - maybe you’d get it.

she just knows me. she knows how scared i am of this, and she uses it to her advantage

“where did you go last night?” “have you taken your meds today?” “did you sleep enough?”

she’s just trying to help. i guess. maybe i overreact. actually, fuck maybe, i know i overreact. that’s who i am.

anyway, hopefully i’ll see you soon. hopefully you’ll forgive me.

the fucked up transfer student

*

to the fucked up transfer student

don’t know why i’m writing this. 7 billion people in the world, there’s no way you’re _my_ transfer student.

or. not mine, as it turns out.

i’m fucking tired, though. i can’t sleep so i’m scrolling the internet and i came across this, and i can’t help but think that there’s a universe out there where you are my transfer student.

i fucking miss him. it’s been a day since i saw him, and only a few hours since he ended it, but i fucking miss him.

(it’s easier to admit when there’s an anonymous submit button.)

i’m mad at him too. things being too fast is a bullshit explanation. i told him stuff i’ve never told anyone before, and he thinks it was too fast.

maybe it was. i guess it’s been so long since i’ve had anything like that, anyone to talk to, and i threw myself at him, or something.

anyway. i hope you end up with your boy in the courtyard. i hope you get away from _her_ and i hope you end up happy. you seem like a nice person.

from a boy, but probably not that boy.

*

to “probably not that boy”

you sound like him. but yeah, like you said, 7 billion people in the universe.

he likes parallel universes too, though. he told me about them, and i think i fell in love.

i fucked it up with him, though. he’s better off without me, he said it himself.

any tips on dealing with heartbreak?

from the fucked up transfer student

ps. i did get away from her. at least i got that. but now i’m just alone.

*

to the transfer student

tips on dealing with heartbreak? yeah, that’d be nice. i’ll give you tips for heartbreak if you give me tips for seeing him back with the girl he said he broke up with.

i’m glad _you_ got away from her, though. maybe it’s a step in the right direction. maybe you can learn to be self sufficient, now. maybe you can just live for you, or something. i don’t know.

he’s an idiot if he thinks he’s better off without you. no one’s better off without the person that loves them. or, that’s probably not healthy, actually.

whatever. i’m not a love expert anyway. i thought i might have got something and then he went back to her.

maybe we should just date instead

;)

from definitely not that boy, but maybe i could be.

*

to “maybe you could be”

i appreciate the sentiment, but no one could ever be him. he’s something else, you know? he’s still better off without me, but it’s almost as if i can’t stay away - and i get the feeling he doesn’t actually want me to. i don’t really understand him, and he doesn’t really understand me, but i think i need him. i think we could learn to understand each other.

at the same time i want to keep him safe. i’m a disaster waiting to happen and he doesn’t deserve that. he’s too soft, too gentle. i think i could hurt him, and i never want to.

that said, i’ll do anything he asks. if he wants me back, i’ll run there.

from a disaster of a transfer student

*

to a disaster (i’m sure you aren’t, but how else would you know who i’m writing to?)

i’d want you back.

in fact, i want him back. he keeps giving me messages, slipping paper into my jacket and locker, and i’m doubting myself because i really thought it was done. i really thought he’d gone back to her and realised i wasn’t worth the trouble because i’m scared to be who i am or some bullshit.

i’m not scared to be who i am, by the way. i’m scared of who other people think i should be.

too late now, anyway. the whole fucking school knows, and i wish i didn’t care but, well, i do.

my friends don’t, at least. that’s kind of cool.

people think they know who i am, now, though. people think they know me. they know that i’m gay, so what, now they know every single one of my secrets? bullshit.

i don’t know what i’m getting at here. just wanted to rant, i guess.

anyway maybe you should just talk to him. maybe i should just talk to him.

spoiler alert, that’s easier said than done.

from a boy who is shit at talking.

*

to a boy who is shit at talking

talking is overrated.

i got him back without it, mostly. he asked about her this morning, we talked about that, but thats it, really. i probably shouldn’t be proud of this, but if we had to talk, i would have to tell him the truth, and if i had to tell him the truth, he’d leave again.

i want to have as much time as i can with him, without ruining it. so yeah, talking is overrated.

from the disaster

*

to the disaster

what’s the truth?

from the boy in the courtyard

*

to the boy in the courtyard

i’m fucked up. crazy. bipolar.

mentally ill.

just like his mum.

he’s better off without me.

from the fucked up transfer student

*

to even

i’m not better off without you.

i think i need you.

from isak

*

to even

i know i fucked up. i’m sorry

tell me how to fix it?

your isak

*

to the boy who couldn’t hold his breath underwater

i’m so glad i found you

from the boy who’s going to make so many films about you

*

to even

stop using that nickname, i swear to fuck.

from isak

*

to my boy who couldn’t hold his breath underwater

it’s almost as if you forgot you were dating “the cheesiest motherfucker alive”

from the boy who loves you

*

to the cheesiest motherfucker alive

i love you too

from the boy who puts up with your shit (happily)

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for readingggggg  
> i hope it made at least a lil bit of sense?  
> [anyway here i am on the tumble](http://evenshands.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


End file.
